Manning the Home Part II

I'm back with a new installation of the Unhandy Man.  The team has been working hard to finish the outline, or anything for that matter.  We can't agree on some of the subjects, so I went ahead (or behind) and compiled a few with helpful exaggerations.  Remember:  we are trying to think outside the box.  Our box is a little stuffy.

How To Get the Most Out of Your Carpet 
This one might be a bit tricky but the rewards are huge.  First, you probably think that this is about stain removal.  That subject has been covered over and over again.  We will not discuss anything related to stains as they are real hard to get out.  Instead, when company is over, they will remark as to how clean and new your carpeting looks, as if you don't even walk on it.  And you don't.  You put carpeting down where nobody can walk on and mess it up.  Simple, you say.  Maybe, but if you were to hang out with my curiously annoying friends, then you'd understand.  I almost have to put traffic cones up to keep someone away from one of my many unfinished projects.  Or as I like to call them, The Under Constructionables.  People are innately curious about odd things and I have to admit this one is strange.  But it works.  And very cost effective.  I go to the carpet outlet and find carpet samples of all sizes and shapes.  Don't worry about the color, either.  I then look at the areas that don't require carpeting, like under the glass coffee table or the aquarium.  Freestanding objects, such as artwork or coat racks, give your rooms that original look that people gape at in wonderment.  "Why hadn't I thought of that?" or "What is that there?".  I marvel at their stares and quizzical looks and take pride in this innovative way of keeping the carpet in perfect shape.  As I continually work on my wood floors, you know, never enough varnish or that other peculiar smelling stuff that you should really have a window open for, those areas are off-limits, too.  So, we usually just grill outside.  Gotta keep those carpets clean.


How To Keep Nourished
As with all home improvement-type stuff, the handyperson needs to keep his/her strength up throughout the entire process.  And what better food to eat than: toast?  Not only do you get your fiber with crunch, you can adorn it with almost anything.  It's fast and easy to fix.  Just don't believe the old wives' tale about sticking a utensil into the toaster and getting shocked.  You'll only blow out the circuit breaker shutting down your main floor.  No biggie.  Waiting on the toast gives you a chance to sit down, relax and contemplate your next move.  Very relaxing and filling.  Of course you'd be more relaxed and filled if you could only find the circuit box. 

How To Look the Part
Looking the part is essential.  If you don't have a tool belt for all those various deelyboppers, how can anyone take you seriously?  Are you really working or not?  Also, low-cut jeans in the butt.  Anybody who has seen the plumber's hairy crack will scar you for life and scare you for life.  This usually deters anybody from interrupting your projects.  A flannel shirt is another necessity.  Everybody looks like they know what they're doing in flannel.  It's a lumberjack thing.  Big and brawny, not little and scrawny.  It's time you look like you're hunting or doing something manly.  A hat is optional.  If you think you need a hard hat for your protection, what are you thinking?  Too dangerous.  A simple trucker's ball cap with a Valvoline or Mack logo is generally the most impressive.  The most important thing you should wear is your smile.  Because without that, then, really, what do you have?

How To Keep That New Home Vibe
If you're lucky enough to live in a new home, you need to read no further.  For the rest of the 99.8%, listen up.  That new home vibe can be revibed with Sway-Fun.  The art of placing furniture and artwork in a setting that gives off a comfy glow or brings you back to the realization that just because the crack in the wall seems to be getting crackier, it's all part of an elaborate plan to calm your nerves and to look elsewhere.  That table with the vase and magazine looks fine.  That rubber plant in the corner gives off a mellow, yellow aura.  And that crack is getting bigger as we speak.  Oh well, you can let negative thoughts rule or you can have fun with your sway.  Give it a chance.  It's Sway-fun.

How To Embrace Your Inner Handyness
This is relatively simple but can be quite intimidating to the rookie handyperson.   Stand firm and tall.  Think home projects that need to get done before winter sets in.  Now visualize these projects finished.  Take a deep breath.  Hug yourself.  You have completed every task that is necessary.  You should feel relaxed and satisfied.  And hungry.  Now, where is that toast with the almond butter?

Next time for the unhandyman, we will be discussing tools and tourniquets: what they are commonly used for and how to keep them free from rust and caked blood.  That's it for now and remember : if you weren't so unhandy, what else would you be redoing?

Some further tips from Unhandy :

• When To Cut Your Losses, Not Your Throat
• What You Need To Know When Entering A "Home Danger Zone"
• How To Maintain Harmony in a "Home Danger Zone"
• What The Hell Is A "Home Danger Zone"?